The Adventures of Rajada: page 19

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Rajada stood in the corner of a dank room. The single bulb above him barely lit the tiny supply closet, and it appeared that the walls were eternally damp. RTSPlayer put his head in his hands on a splintery table. His chair felt rickety and unstable. G-MO just stared from the doorway. "I'm sorry fellas, I forgot the meeting room had been quarantined due to that squid... thing... with... I'll tell you about that later. Please though, come in G-MO." G-MO reluctantly sat on an overturned spindle of thick wiring, folding his hands in front of him. Rajada closed the wooden door and a nearby shelf shook, causing RTSPlayer to lift his head. After a moment passed it seemed like the area wasn't going to cave in around them, Rajada made his way to the front of the room.


"I need ideas guys, no matter how dumb they sound, just blurt them out. Anything could give me the idea needed to help us out. Obviously, destroying the other universe is out of the picture. Go!" RTSPlayer piped up. "I found a bomb in the dumpster outside my house yesterday. It was one of yours and I thin-" "What did I just say? We can't blow up the uni- one of mine? I don't make bombs." "Well it had your logo and everything." Rajada scratched his chin for a moment. "Okay, so I need to have HR do some internal investigations, find out who's making apparently trashy Rajada incorporated knock-offs. Any other ideas?" "No," RTSPlayer replied. He was about to put his head back on the table when a green fluid dripped from an overhead pipe, eating through the table in a second. RTSPlayer withdrew his hands and scoot back a couple of feet from the table. "Come on guys, this is serious. Imagine two cars are heading for a collision, what would you do to stop them? Anything, no matter how unrealistic." G-MO extended his index finger pensively. "Build a wall." "They still crash, next?" "Build a wall of rubber," G-MO retorted. "They'll bounce off and come back. Imagine the cars are in an infinitely long half-pipe." G-MO folded his hands again. "I don't think you can prevent them from touching. You could slow them down though right?" "It would be a temporary solution, and I'm already working on that, but I need a more permanent method as well."


RTSPlayer leaned back in his chair and sighed. "Maybe you should just put the bomb in the middle of them." Rajada chuckled. "And what, knock them out of existence? We want to survive this remember?" "I don't know then!" RTSPlayer said, raising his voice. "Put a third car in to crash into the evil car, ram it off the road." Rajada stared into space for a moment. "What you just said sounded really stupid. But you do bring up a good point." Rajada motioned to a dusty chalkboard on the wall. "You see," he said drawing two rectangles on opposite sides of the board, "we can split the universe again, but in a more subtle way. We use our cheats to split the universe over some silly decision, like whether or not I build that weather control device I prototyped. Rajada tw- let's just call him evil Rajada will do the same, dissipating his quantum momentum into several other universe paths. Eventually they'll all mush together in the middle." Rajada drew several boxes between the original rectangles. "It will all average out better, we have to make sure we make our decisions almost meaningless though, that way his decisions become just as impotent." He started to scribble a line through all the boxes, but the chalk snapped. Rajada threw the stub of chalk aside. "Any questions?" RTSPlayer raised his hand. "Uhh, yeah, that makes no sense whatsoever." Rajada pointed to RTSPlayer. "Yes, good! That's exactly the kind of thinking we need! We'll decide to not do anything, therefore our parallel selves will do all the work!"

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"Well, we better get started making universes!" Rajada punched some data into the time machine's control panel then stuck his hand onto the hull of the large turbine as it spun up. "I sure hope this works." Rajada focused his mind and...


"Well?" "Well what?" Rajada asked, removing his hand from the machine. "Did it work?" RTSPlayer asked. "Uhhhh, yeah," Rajada replied, "I really don't think I should build that weather control machine anymore. Maybe some cloning technology instead." "Great!" said G-MO, faking enthusiasm. "Sounds like this is going to work out just... great. You know there's an alternate us thinking that we should build that machine right?" Rajada raised an eyebrow. "An alternate you maybe, why are you so in love with this weather machine huh? Gonna take over the world or something?" RTSPlayer chuckled. "He really got you G!"

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"Well, no sense wasting any more time, we've got a weather control machine to build!" Rajada walked off. "Wait, shouldn't we make more decisions?" G-MO said. "Later!" Rajada yelled from the next room over.


...


"I don't know guys, I'm a little bit at a loss. Not sure I can come up with another decision. I mean, I think we really hit the peak spray-painting our logo on the moon." "Yeah," RTSPlayer snorted, "on the dark side of the moon." Rajada seemed annoyed. "Well one of the universes had to get that side!"

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"I just think it's a great opportunity for advertising, and there's really no laws against it. Now everyone will see our logo up in the night sky. Maybe that will show those snooty tournament officials." Rajada paused for a moment. "Hey! I've got a great idea! One of my er... subjects recently developed a case of the crazies. Used to be a friend of mine, let's decide to perform the procedure needed to help him!" G-MO squinted his eyes a little. "Won't that mean we neglectfully don't help him in the oth-" Rajada dismissively waived his hand and booted the machine.

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"Well that was easier than I expected!" yelled Rajada over the blaring alarms. "What's that noise?" RTSPlayer yelled. Suddenly a voice came on over the intercom. "Test subject 3-1-4-1-5-9-7 escaped." a calm woman said in a pleasant-sounding voice. Rajada's face lit up in an insane way. "Oh goody! More decisions!" G-MO looked horrified. "Uhhh," G-MO said, pulling Rajada's hand from the controls, "I think this is a matter of security now." "Yis, me agree!" said Caribou, smashing at the control panel of the machine with his fists." "Oh son of a- Rajada, did you put us into a universe where we didn't do anything about the escaped lunatic?" RTSPlayer yelled. "Isn't it great?" Rajada replied, his enthusiasm never waning. "Ooooohh, pretty colors!" Caribou said to himself. Suddenly a wormhole opened up behind them in the core of the machine. "Whooooooo!" Rajada screamed over the intense winds, loose papers with their previous universe-making decisions fluttering about the room. RTSPlayer grabbed Rajada by the collar. "I'm gonna kill youuuuuuuuuuuuuu" All three of them were sucked into the wormhole, seconds before it collapsed. Caribou stared at the vacant room. "Uhhhh... I'm gonna gooo noooowwww," he said, darting off.


"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" they all screamed as they plummeted down the wormhole. Bright stripes of purple swirled and bulged around them. "If we survive this, you're dead!" RTSPlayer screamed. Rajada just grabbed onto G-MO as they continued to fall. "Chief of security, that crazy man is making threats!" G-MO pushed himself off of Rajada. "Don't involve me in this!" Finally, after falling for what seemed like hours, they saw a white light at the end of the wormhole. They were approaching something, and fast.


WHAT SHOULD THEY DO?

1. Continue screaming and await imminent doom.

2. Start doing a skydiving routine.

3. Grab a soda for their dry throats and then continue screaming and awaiting imminent doom.